To Feel “Blue Like Jazz”

“Before I want to be unique. Now I just want to fit in and be normal again.” My head is numbed with all the thoughts and doubts stirred up by the book. Blue Like Jazz teaches me to let myself be loved and to love others around me. My heart ached tremendously when I read that last two chapters. I was thinking the whole time of how bad I’ve been treating the people who genuinely care and love me for who I am the most. I was riding my bike here and I was thinking about that chapter and a phrase that goes: “To let somebody love you the whole time.”  My tears were rolling down in public in front of many people, still I couldn’t care less. I need someone to go home to. I can’t go on the path of just me alone all the time like this. Donald Miller says it best: “God created human to be with others, not to be alone and so we’ve got to let others love it. We can’t keep locking ourselves in this prison. Release yourself.” I’ve been locking my heart in and kept it as my own prisoner far so long until I’ve lost all the sense of sharing and letting people in. I thought I was doing good to protect myself. I was spitefully wrong. To not let people in our life doesn’t gurantee protection of our soul. It actually does harm more harm than good to our fragile soul. I agree with Donald Miller on so many levels. He truly speaks right to his readers. Sometimes, you really gotta let love approach you. He wanted to be loved some time, but not all the time. He didn’t want a relationship that he had the need to come home to the same person every day. I can also relate to Donald Miller when he talks about how being a writer and being broke means to him. He felts unproductive just like I do. I don’t know how to describe it. I just know the feelings. Maybe that’s just the life of a writer. You don’t get paid on a regular basis. You feel useless. You feel lazy. You feel like you haven’t done much because you’d just sit around all day reading this and that, throwing others’ books around and resent them for being a better writer, you’re in your sweatpants all day long, you pick up your writing when you feel like it. From time to time, you kind of lose track of your own aspiration and purpose of what you want to do. I’ve been feeling so useless and unproductive lately. I feel like in the middle of tonle sap river, so lost and so wide. I closed my eyes then. I could tell the feelings of uncertainty regarding which way I should go or where this boat is taking me to. This feeling is so scary, especially when you don’t equip with the skills to survive. I feel so naive and inexperienced to deal with all the rejections and how to get through life. I really do wish I could just pause all my thoughts.


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