Maybe I get too lost in expectation and imagination of my perfect little world, but the reality is not as pretty.
Maybe I can’t give up my independence, my freedom and my will to explore yet.
Maybe I’m destined to be a flying bird.
Maybe I don’t know how to work through tough times in relationship.
Maybe I’ve been hurt so many times before that I can never trust anyone not to hurt me again in my life.
Maybe I have changed too much from the person I once was and once admired.
Maybe I don’t like the kind of self I’m becoming when I’m in a relationship: the obsessive, the over-thinking, the doubting-too-much self.
Maybe moving from the very independent self to this very dependent girl who can’t even eat alone anymore, from the very adventurous and spontaneous self to the one who finds comfort in her routine and blankets, from the selfish person to the too-much-selfless kind, from the one who doesn’t give a single shite to the one who gives too much shite, from the one who always stands up for what she believes to the one who would surrender the battle, from the one who believes so much in herself to the one who starts doubting herself when anything goes wrong, from the one who is fierce to the one who gives in, from the one who thrives to get to her goal to the one who compromises her dream, is not what I intend at all.
Maybe I’m wrong to still have that wishful thinking that he will grow up and be more responsible.
Maybe I’m wrong to think that things will get better in the future, to think that life will not be too messed up as I suspect with all that has been going on in both our lives, to think that somehow we would work it out and get through it together.
Maybe I’m still stupid enough to hold on to this wishful thinking that guys can ever change (even when I have told myself millions times that you can’t change a person). I still hold on to this thought that I can influence him to change and make him think that it’s him changing for his better self.
Maybe my tears shed’s not because of him, but because of the disappointment I feel within myself when I indulge too much in my own cocoon, my comfortness, my dependence on him.
Maybe I am too scared to be in a relationship.
And most important of all, MAYBE I am too scared of losing myself in him.